New Year Blog

It is a Sunday afternoon, with the sun happily giving the brasileros a doze of what they define as a good weekend, I am here, inside the comforts of my "own" room -- towering a little above the praia, enough to give me a little bit of inspiration to write something about random thoughts circling.Two thousand and Nine. The universe is that old. And I could only imagine how he could have written a million blogs in his lifetime. Last year was well.. I am running out of words to describe.For me, it was a year of struggle, of crossroads, a roller-coaster ride wanting anybody to make it stop and get-off in the middle. It was a year of total surrender, of letting go, and of a leap of faith.I started 2008 in the middle of east, just going on with the flow, surviving and getting lessons along the way. And then it brought me to the land far far away from home, struggled a little more, encountered big tests of faith and principles, stumbled and got up along the way, with too much learning to take note off. And then I went home, overwhelmed with my comfort zone, got myself a little time to take things slow, hibernate a little, drown in my own thoughts. I gained and lost a few pounds, lost and gained people in my life, fought and lost battles, let go, surrendered and saw things fall into places little by little.My dear friends had their own battles to take too, and I witnessed and saw in their eyes how we all fought all through these, how we manage to still share cups of coffee and endless stories until daybreak, how we never stopped loving each other. One of my bestfriends got married, and for us, it was the best gift 2008 had to offer. Her wedding was more than a one-day event. It healed us all, in its own ways.2008 has given me a lot of assignments, exams, recitations and essays. Though there were days that I flunked them, I think I managed to get a passing mark at the finals. I think I aced on the essay part.And with the new year just had his jump start, I was brought back here, a thousand miles away from home again, with a lot of new things to learn. With all of my dear ones back at home, all anticipating what this year has to offer, crossing fingers, I know we will all be fine. And so I realize that we all just have to play our part. To live, to love, to learn -- with faith, with trust and with a solid belief that even if things will not be easy, they will fall into place. Play our part, and heavens will take it from there.Cheers to 2008, you deserve a gold medal from me. Two thousand and nine, here we come.

::Re-posted. original posting @ 01/11/09 Vitoria Espirito Santo Brasil

Christmas blog

I will never ever forget the feeling of having spent Christmas away from home. Last year, at Christmas, I was in the middle of the east, exhausting most of my energy spending time with people who are around, just to get my mind off the loneliness of being away from home.
Today, I am here, savoring every time spent inside the comforts of my home, with mom, with apple, with sunshine, and with the rest of my friends -- effortless.
Maybe its true, that you can only appreciate something more if you were given a chance to live without it. Heavens answered my prayers, and my heart shouts out with bliss.
Last night, on the way to mass, I asked my sister, Do you smell Christmas?
Because I do. I don't know if it sounds weird, but the scent of Christmas has always been different for me. Maybe its the cold air, or the sound of laughters, or the different aura of most people around. It is crisp, the coldness brings warmth, and the pureness of scent is a combination of melancholy and peace. It is something I might never be able to describe in my lifetime, but something that will never cease to amaze me. The scent of Christmas. Nostalgic.
Christmas is subjective for most people. For people who are hurting, today is when you "rub" it in. For people who are away, today is a challenge on how to just make it ordinary. For some, this is just another ordinary day with people trying hard to make it extraordinary.
But for me, Christmas will always be my most favorite time of the year. Hurting or not, Away or home, Christmas will always be a raw and tangible chance for remembering and counting the blessings. Thank God for Christmas, hope becomes alive for most people.
Celebrate this day. On hope, on faith, on love and on sharing.

::reposted. original posting @ 12/25/08

Sunrise With You

SUNRISE WITH YOU

by Dan Hornan

WAKE UP SCREAMING. My throat is sore from the vocalisation of agony. My mind is numb from turning the same thought over. Over and over.

'It's only a dream, it's only a dream,' my friend repeats from his side of the apartment. If only he could know the weight of his words. For that is precisely what I am running from. Running from a dream. But in this dream it is me who does the chasing. I'm looking for a concept, something unreal. My thoughts are reduced to a cold mechanism, a flurry of actions which will lead inexorably to emotion.

'It's alright, I'm okay now. It's alright, go back to sleep,' I reply. Such lies. I cannot sleep knowing that I will return to a false reality where I am the captor and emotion is my innocent victim, my prize. I am tired. Tired of trying to make for myself a new destiny when I know that fate, ultimately, will choose.

My eyes are firmly open. I think of sunrise. Sunrise with you. I am afraid of forgetting those moments though I know that they are written indelibly into me. Sometimes I long to forget, but I have come to the understanding that tragic beauty is better than living a false reality - so my nightmares remind me. All other moments seem intangible in comparison.

I had taken a psychotrope. A stimulant which if consumed in large enough quantities can induce visions. I used to think that it made the moments of less real value. That what you felt was not really part of you but a synthesised world. Now I am beginning to realise the true meaning of that phrase.

I once believed I was in love when on a psychotrope. But when I saw her a few days later I was not - I had not been in love for many years. At first I was angry with the psychotrope - how could it deceive me like that? How could it tease me with manna I longed to consume? After further thought I became glad. Glad because I knew once again that I was capable of love. Glad because I knew that it was real, if only for a few moments.

With you, love was not the question - only tragedy. Beautiful tragedy. Anyway, we were both high and it was not the first time. I can't remember if you kissed me. I only know that we did not hold hands - we barely touched at all. I remember the yellowness of your hair as you came towards me and how we sat together on a comfort blanket a few metres from the circle of stones.

And I remember that I had wanted to speak. To talk with you at great length about matters of importance. But although my speech was pressured I could not release my deepest thoughts. My ideas were flighty - so many words. Yet somehow my lips were blocked. I felt like Helfgott on lithium. Somewhere there was music and there were thoughts, but they seemed entangled - twisted upon each other until they became imprisoned in a speechless agony. The agony of twisted dreams.

But in a moment you transformed me. From jaw-grinding wreck to silken-lined vessel of youth. For one moment it was all worthwhile - the moment of sunrise, the moment you spoke your mind.

'My mind has been on one thing all this time,’ you stated. 'Finding you.' Your voice was the sun - a great mass creating its own gravity. 'But now I've found you I don't know what to do.' The sun floats free in space, weightless and bright. It rises above the circle of stones, the gift of a new day.

The following night I tried to meet you again. I was lost - lost among the people and the music and the thoughts. I had reckoned it was not possible to lose myself and I had not even tried my hardest. The night wore on and the people stomped for joy in the sodden dregs of a field. Eventually, their faces began to change. At first they seemed old, older than the stones in the circle. And their bodies were all worn out - tired of drudging through the earth. But you, the sun, gave them new light. Even in the darkness. Their troubled faces were transformed - a metamorphosis complete in your image.

About this time I started to doubt your presence. How could you be there in all those people? And I knew that it was a trick of the mind. But this time I was not angry with the psychotrope. I knew that my will was so determined it had need to search for a part of the sun, however small, in each one of them. I knew that my vision had become focused. That I could mould each person into an image of you.

And about this time I started to hear you call my name. This I could not control - a single syllable amongst a vast array of words. I ran to people knowing they were not you. I tried to speak to them but from every direction you called out to me. They seemed distant - nothing seemed real anymore, not even my own consciousness. And then I knew what I sought was unreal - a false warmth stolen from the rising sun. The start of my nightmares.

I returned to the stone circle and watched the watery sun rise above the greying hills. The circle was full of people yet even the stones appeared disheartened. The promise of another day, a week, a year of unreality did not appeal. The sky was overcast with fear - fear of its own cold mechanism. Fear that there would never be another sunrise. Sunrise with you.

14th of November

Somethings change, and somethings don't.

It was a sumptuous meal with Ma'am Gie and the rest of the opti people, at Hap Chan, the usual place to be, last Friday 14th of November -- Ma'am Gie's last day at GT.

And though there are new faces, I still found comfort in the old ones -- those people who have always greeted me with warm smiles and hugs whenever I see them.

Ma'am Gie's leaving globe would have a major impact, i know. She has been a source of strength for most people, and she has truly showed us how to lead by example. Maybe for some, she has been one of the reasons -- if not the ONLY reason -- of staying in GT.

But, it's about time that she spread her wings and show the world that she could conquer more.
She most deserve the opportunity, and I know that she will inspire the rest of the world. :)

Way to go Ma'am Gie, cheers for you!
I'll see you soon :)

just today

Today, I have been weaker than usual.
For most people who know me, they would understand why.

I anticipated the roller-coaster of emotions, maybe I knew myself well. Even if I prepared for it, even if I mustered all my energy, even if I went out of town last week to re-charge, even if I wore my best steel armor, I still wasn't able to escape the weight this day would cause my entire being. Up to the innermost part of my soul. It was like going to a trip back on memory-lane, but this time, it comes automatically -- as if on my system, fighting its way into my mind, repeating over and over again.

Eh ganun talaga.
There are just some things that I know I couldn't just brush off. Somethings that I need to absorb, let it be, and then let it go. I know myself well, and I know I have the right to be in pain, to feel every bit of needle that stick inside my heart, because I know that only through all these that I will be able to heal completely. Feel the pain and then let go -- Bo Sanchez was brilliant when he said those words.

I was just glad that I have my dear friends with me who know, from the core of their hearts, how much I was feeling. They gave me a million hugs today, and their eyes spoke of so much love.

And above all these, the universe never ceases to amaze me on its own rules.

I was having my usual comfort coffee with my most loved people on earth, and I was amazed because in the middle of it all, I found myself laughing my heart out. And then I smiled secretly, because I knew how much heavens wanted to tell me that in the midst of all these, soon, I will find my way.

I didn't get any stars today.
It was too rainy.
Maybe tomorrow.

The clock hits midnight. At last, the day is over.

spon-tey-neus

Ahaay, lunes na naman.
Tumatakbo ang oras, umiikot ang mundo, ano naman ang nangyayare sa buhay ko?

Aba eto, sem-break pa din. Kung tutuusin, 2 bwan palang ako dito. 2 months and 2 weeks siguro. Pero parang 300 years na ang nakalipas. Dahil ba sa sobrang daming nangyare? O dahil mabagal lang talaga ang takbo ng oras ko sa araw araw? Sabi nila, capable daw ang utak naten na magproduce ng 70 thousand thoughts sa isang araw. Naisip ko, siguro, nama-maximize ko yun. kaya pala ang sakit sa ulo minsan. hanep.

Last week, may isa akong kaibigan na sinabi saken -- "joy, you don't look happy. ingatan mo ang sarili mo." Medyo parang nauntog ako ng konte. Ganun na katransparent? Well, hindi naman talaga ako magaling magtago ng nararamdaman dati pa. Pero this time, hindi ko lang akalain na mahahalata pa pala. Tska ang laki daw ng pinayat ko. Napapansin ko naman yun. Dati, pag ngumingiti ako, parang puputok ung pisngi ko. At nakakatuwa yung feeling ng ganun. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na nararamdaman ung mga pisngi ko na naiipit sa mga cheekbones. Sunday nya yun tinext. Kaya bago ako matulog, sinabi ko sa sarili ko -- simula bukas, pipilitin kong hindi na malungkot.

Siguro ganun nga talaga. Naalala ko tuloy ung blog ni heids. Sakto eh. Pursuit of happiness. When I was younger, I thought that happiness is just around the corner. But now, I have learned, through time and experience, that happiness is more than a choice--you have to pursue it. Mahirap--pero, tulad nga ng sabi ni ely buendia, no one ever said that there's an easy way.

So buong week, dahil pinagdesisyunan kong hindi ako malulungkot, eh para akong merong imaginary score board sa utak. Basta dapat very good ako at the end of the day para may star ako. Nagawa ko naman. At in fairness, fulfilling. Pero mahirap. May mga oras na matutulog na lang ako pag feeling ko eh babagsak ako sa exam for the day. Parang tanga lang. Pero ganun talaga. Nag-aaply pa din ang lagi kong sinsabi na --- at the end of the day, it will always be between you and yourself.

May isang araw lang last week na hindi ako very good. Siguro, half-star lang ang nakuha ko. Sorry, sumablay eh. Pwede naman siguro un?

Lunes na naman. At mas mahirap talaga ang weekday. Busy kase lahat ng kaibigan ko sa kani kanilang hanap-buhay, at syempre kelangan kong magbusy-busy-han din. Sana maging very good ulit ako this week. Para madaming madaming stars.
Buti nalang madami pang coloring books dito. :)

::re-posted. original posting on Nov 2,2008 9:16pm

Reasons

True, that I make my own choices. True, that I choose my own path. Yet, it is also true that there are things that I have no control of. It takes courage and a big leap of faith to accept and fight through them all.

For the longest time, most of us have been endlessly looking for answers and reasons. I just finished a book by Paolo Coelho, Brida, and he was brilliant enough to open a different perspective on this. On my own words, here is what he said:

The fish and the birds exist in their own universe, and sometimes, their universe co-exist with each other. The fish would forever wonder how these creatures (birds) would suddenly plunged into their world and then disappear after seconds. The birds on the other hand, would forever wonder too, why there are so many creatures hiding beneath the waters and how could they possibly survive. Both creatures might die wondering, without knowing the real answers to their mysteries. Because they exist in different universe. But in reality, the answers exist. There are reasons.

And so I thought, the reasons and the answers to all my questions are not easy to comprehend, as what I might have been thinking. Because only God who placed me in this universe knows all the reasons and answers. They only exist in His universe, and I am not worthy enough to comprehend His great wisdom and mysteries.

Life, as I have always said, will always remain a wonderful mystery to me. How the universe continues to be in motion, how some things cross my path at exactly the perfect timing, how some things could be simple for others yet they remain difficult and complicated for me, how I was given the certain plate of choices, crossroads, sacrifices and boundaries, how I get hurt over and over again, and how I manage to stand up and get courage deep in my soul.

All of us share different stories, yet it is amazing that at some point, most of our universe co-exist with each other. Sometimes, long enough for comfort, and sometimes, just for an instance. We might never be able to understand fully how all these could be possible, but for me, it is simply wonderful to think that all of us are made not by random decisions, instead, there is some thing bigger than this — bigger than the stars and the moon and all the mysteries of the earth.

Maybe, I will never comprehend the real reasons for everything. But knowing that reasons exist, that would be enough to get through each day.

::re-posted.original posting on October 23, 2008 9:32pm