Double Standard:My two cents worth

The term double standard, coined in the early 1950s, refers to any set of principles containing different provisions for one group of people than for another.[1] A double standard may take the form of an instance in which certain applications (often of a word or phrase) are perceived as acceptable to be used by one group of people, but are considered unacceptable—taboo—when used by another group. (wikipedia.org)

Growing up, I have a wide range of friends: I have friends who are 10 years older, few years younger, female, male, third-sex; I don't mind. I know that I am imperfect myself, and so I have long ago learned how to deal with imperfections of other people. But there is just one thing that I cannot, and probably will not be able to tolerate. Maybe it is because of my roots, or maybe I am just a little young, or maybe because I am getting old.

Going on projects abroad, I am mostly surrounded by guys. I never have problems dealing with them; I eat whatever is on the table, I laugh at their sometimes obscene jokes. I really don't mind, and honeslty, i have good and fun conversations with them too.

There is just one point that creates despise in my soul. Almost would want to make me vomit at their faces. Some men would talk about girls from sunrise to sunset, during lunch breaks, coffee breaks, yosi breaks, and I would sometimes wonder if they talk (or maybe think) about girls until they sleep. For single guys, it doesn't affect me much. But I have witnessed married guys do the same. It would have been better if they talk about girls in a little subtle way. But NO. They see some girls as if they are little toys, who, if "given" the right batteries, would come to their mercy. And it makes me think, where in the corner of the world did they get the idea? How, in this little universe, could their minds do that trick without passing by the faces of their wives? Or their children? Monster!

"Ganyan talaga eh, likas sa mga lalake yan". Crap. Even if you give me 1 million dollars, hindi bebenta saken yang idea. Well, you can go ahead and look at all the girls around, but going further is a different story. And if you ask them if their wives would do the same, they'll be ready to kick some ass. Double standard. Tsk.
I am not talking about guys who fell out of love, and then falls in love with another woman. This, for me, is a different story. I am talking about guys (and girls maybe) who would endlessly fool around, to let time pass, to kill their "boredom", to sustain their "needs". I don't believe that the universe was created in that crapy manner. Or maybe I am wrong. Don't give me the "no feelings involved, no strings attached" crap. Because there are better things to do than talk about the size of that girl's bra.

Tsk.

4th week

I consciously avoided writing blog entries these past weeks, especially during my birthday week, because it has been a roller coaster of emotions.
It is friday now, and vitoria is half-asleep, with the Praia giving out its soft lullaby.
4th week of survival, I am slowly getting the pacing. There were days when I feel weak, when I get home and give out little sobs of loneliness,but at the end of each day, I know that tomorrow will be better.

There were so many angels along the way, God is faithful with His promises. To the smallest thing that I need -- where can I buy a marker? and as if on cue,my eyes would pass a little shop with pens and markers on stands; up to the big struggles of finding a place to stay --it is peak season, and it's close to impossible to find an apartment for me;and then on cue again, `we have one more room left. You can have it if you want.'

How's that?
When people tell me that I am strong, I give out a secret sigh to heavens. Because I am not. I am still the scared girl who wonders what's on the other side. Maybe I just learned, through time, to let things go. And this is not only me, because I know that whoever will be placed on the same position as I am, will have nothing to do but cling on to the idea of be-friending the universe. And just doing the most out of what could be done, and just leave everything up to heavens.
During my first few weeks, I was so stressed out. And then I realized, it was only ME who is causing this much stress. I am so pressured to be strong, up to the point of exhausting everything just to survive. And then I started to trust the universe that I am being taken care of, and then things got better.

And then my birthday. I am anticipating the roller-coaster of emotions during that day; this will be the first time in my whole existence that I will be alone (well,physically of course) during that day. Last year I was away, but I had tony and eaian and some couple of friends to celebrate it with. I went to rio to meet ron on the weekend of my birthday, but I wasn't successful in fooling myself when I was on the plane back to vitoria. I just couldn't help it; and so I just acknowledged the feeling..that yes, this is a little sad. Well, a little more sad than I thought.
But, like everything else, I had to get up. The world doesn't stop turning. The morning after my birthday, I saw the first sunrise in vitoria. And then I realized why I have never seen the sun set. My window looks directly at the east. Perhaps, Rio has given me enough sunsets already, Vitoria is here to give me sunrise.

I am not as strong as you think. Just as Gary's song perfectly explains it all. The warrior is a child. There were times that I come running down home, tired of putting these armors, and just fall down. I am not strong, but heavens pour out its spirit to supply me with strength. And I am keeping the faith that it will pour down endlessly, until this survivor series is over.

New Year Blog

It is a Sunday afternoon, with the sun happily giving the brasileros a doze of what they define as a good weekend, I am here, inside the comforts of my "own" room -- towering a little above the praia, enough to give me a little bit of inspiration to write something about random thoughts circling.Two thousand and Nine. The universe is that old. And I could only imagine how he could have written a million blogs in his lifetime. Last year was well.. I am running out of words to describe.For me, it was a year of struggle, of crossroads, a roller-coaster ride wanting anybody to make it stop and get-off in the middle. It was a year of total surrender, of letting go, and of a leap of faith.I started 2008 in the middle of east, just going on with the flow, surviving and getting lessons along the way. And then it brought me to the land far far away from home, struggled a little more, encountered big tests of faith and principles, stumbled and got up along the way, with too much learning to take note off. And then I went home, overwhelmed with my comfort zone, got myself a little time to take things slow, hibernate a little, drown in my own thoughts. I gained and lost a few pounds, lost and gained people in my life, fought and lost battles, let go, surrendered and saw things fall into places little by little.My dear friends had their own battles to take too, and I witnessed and saw in their eyes how we all fought all through these, how we manage to still share cups of coffee and endless stories until daybreak, how we never stopped loving each other. One of my bestfriends got married, and for us, it was the best gift 2008 had to offer. Her wedding was more than a one-day event. It healed us all, in its own ways.2008 has given me a lot of assignments, exams, recitations and essays. Though there were days that I flunked them, I think I managed to get a passing mark at the finals. I think I aced on the essay part.And with the new year just had his jump start, I was brought back here, a thousand miles away from home again, with a lot of new things to learn. With all of my dear ones back at home, all anticipating what this year has to offer, crossing fingers, I know we will all be fine. And so I realize that we all just have to play our part. To live, to love, to learn -- with faith, with trust and with a solid belief that even if things will not be easy, they will fall into place. Play our part, and heavens will take it from there.Cheers to 2008, you deserve a gold medal from me. Two thousand and nine, here we come.

::Re-posted. original posting @ 01/11/09 Vitoria Espirito Santo Brasil

Christmas blog

I will never ever forget the feeling of having spent Christmas away from home. Last year, at Christmas, I was in the middle of the east, exhausting most of my energy spending time with people who are around, just to get my mind off the loneliness of being away from home.
Today, I am here, savoring every time spent inside the comforts of my home, with mom, with apple, with sunshine, and with the rest of my friends -- effortless.
Maybe its true, that you can only appreciate something more if you were given a chance to live without it. Heavens answered my prayers, and my heart shouts out with bliss.
Last night, on the way to mass, I asked my sister, Do you smell Christmas?
Because I do. I don't know if it sounds weird, but the scent of Christmas has always been different for me. Maybe its the cold air, or the sound of laughters, or the different aura of most people around. It is crisp, the coldness brings warmth, and the pureness of scent is a combination of melancholy and peace. It is something I might never be able to describe in my lifetime, but something that will never cease to amaze me. The scent of Christmas. Nostalgic.
Christmas is subjective for most people. For people who are hurting, today is when you "rub" it in. For people who are away, today is a challenge on how to just make it ordinary. For some, this is just another ordinary day with people trying hard to make it extraordinary.
But for me, Christmas will always be my most favorite time of the year. Hurting or not, Away or home, Christmas will always be a raw and tangible chance for remembering and counting the blessings. Thank God for Christmas, hope becomes alive for most people.
Celebrate this day. On hope, on faith, on love and on sharing.

::reposted. original posting @ 12/25/08