4th week

I consciously avoided writing blog entries these past weeks, especially during my birthday week, because it has been a roller coaster of emotions.
It is friday now, and vitoria is half-asleep, with the Praia giving out its soft lullaby.
4th week of survival, I am slowly getting the pacing. There were days when I feel weak, when I get home and give out little sobs of loneliness,but at the end of each day, I know that tomorrow will be better.

There were so many angels along the way, God is faithful with His promises. To the smallest thing that I need -- where can I buy a marker? and as if on cue,my eyes would pass a little shop with pens and markers on stands; up to the big struggles of finding a place to stay --it is peak season, and it's close to impossible to find an apartment for me;and then on cue again, `we have one more room left. You can have it if you want.'

How's that?
When people tell me that I am strong, I give out a secret sigh to heavens. Because I am not. I am still the scared girl who wonders what's on the other side. Maybe I just learned, through time, to let things go. And this is not only me, because I know that whoever will be placed on the same position as I am, will have nothing to do but cling on to the idea of be-friending the universe. And just doing the most out of what could be done, and just leave everything up to heavens.
During my first few weeks, I was so stressed out. And then I realized, it was only ME who is causing this much stress. I am so pressured to be strong, up to the point of exhausting everything just to survive. And then I started to trust the universe that I am being taken care of, and then things got better.

And then my birthday. I am anticipating the roller-coaster of emotions during that day; this will be the first time in my whole existence that I will be alone (well,physically of course) during that day. Last year I was away, but I had tony and eaian and some couple of friends to celebrate it with. I went to rio to meet ron on the weekend of my birthday, but I wasn't successful in fooling myself when I was on the plane back to vitoria. I just couldn't help it; and so I just acknowledged the feeling..that yes, this is a little sad. Well, a little more sad than I thought.
But, like everything else, I had to get up. The world doesn't stop turning. The morning after my birthday, I saw the first sunrise in vitoria. And then I realized why I have never seen the sun set. My window looks directly at the east. Perhaps, Rio has given me enough sunsets already, Vitoria is here to give me sunrise.

I am not as strong as you think. Just as Gary's song perfectly explains it all. The warrior is a child. There were times that I come running down home, tired of putting these armors, and just fall down. I am not strong, but heavens pour out its spirit to supply me with strength. And I am keeping the faith that it will pour down endlessly, until this survivor series is over.