just today

Today, I have been weaker than usual.
For most people who know me, they would understand why.

I anticipated the roller-coaster of emotions, maybe I knew myself well. Even if I prepared for it, even if I mustered all my energy, even if I went out of town last week to re-charge, even if I wore my best steel armor, I still wasn't able to escape the weight this day would cause my entire being. Up to the innermost part of my soul. It was like going to a trip back on memory-lane, but this time, it comes automatically -- as if on my system, fighting its way into my mind, repeating over and over again.

Eh ganun talaga.
There are just some things that I know I couldn't just brush off. Somethings that I need to absorb, let it be, and then let it go. I know myself well, and I know I have the right to be in pain, to feel every bit of needle that stick inside my heart, because I know that only through all these that I will be able to heal completely. Feel the pain and then let go -- Bo Sanchez was brilliant when he said those words.

I was just glad that I have my dear friends with me who know, from the core of their hearts, how much I was feeling. They gave me a million hugs today, and their eyes spoke of so much love.

And above all these, the universe never ceases to amaze me on its own rules.

I was having my usual comfort coffee with my most loved people on earth, and I was amazed because in the middle of it all, I found myself laughing my heart out. And then I smiled secretly, because I knew how much heavens wanted to tell me that in the midst of all these, soon, I will find my way.

I didn't get any stars today.
It was too rainy.
Maybe tomorrow.

The clock hits midnight. At last, the day is over.

spon-tey-neus

Ahaay, lunes na naman.
Tumatakbo ang oras, umiikot ang mundo, ano naman ang nangyayare sa buhay ko?

Aba eto, sem-break pa din. Kung tutuusin, 2 bwan palang ako dito. 2 months and 2 weeks siguro. Pero parang 300 years na ang nakalipas. Dahil ba sa sobrang daming nangyare? O dahil mabagal lang talaga ang takbo ng oras ko sa araw araw? Sabi nila, capable daw ang utak naten na magproduce ng 70 thousand thoughts sa isang araw. Naisip ko, siguro, nama-maximize ko yun. kaya pala ang sakit sa ulo minsan. hanep.

Last week, may isa akong kaibigan na sinabi saken -- "joy, you don't look happy. ingatan mo ang sarili mo." Medyo parang nauntog ako ng konte. Ganun na katransparent? Well, hindi naman talaga ako magaling magtago ng nararamdaman dati pa. Pero this time, hindi ko lang akalain na mahahalata pa pala. Tska ang laki daw ng pinayat ko. Napapansin ko naman yun. Dati, pag ngumingiti ako, parang puputok ung pisngi ko. At nakakatuwa yung feeling ng ganun. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na nararamdaman ung mga pisngi ko na naiipit sa mga cheekbones. Sunday nya yun tinext. Kaya bago ako matulog, sinabi ko sa sarili ko -- simula bukas, pipilitin kong hindi na malungkot.

Siguro ganun nga talaga. Naalala ko tuloy ung blog ni heids. Sakto eh. Pursuit of happiness. When I was younger, I thought that happiness is just around the corner. But now, I have learned, through time and experience, that happiness is more than a choice--you have to pursue it. Mahirap--pero, tulad nga ng sabi ni ely buendia, no one ever said that there's an easy way.

So buong week, dahil pinagdesisyunan kong hindi ako malulungkot, eh para akong merong imaginary score board sa utak. Basta dapat very good ako at the end of the day para may star ako. Nagawa ko naman. At in fairness, fulfilling. Pero mahirap. May mga oras na matutulog na lang ako pag feeling ko eh babagsak ako sa exam for the day. Parang tanga lang. Pero ganun talaga. Nag-aaply pa din ang lagi kong sinsabi na --- at the end of the day, it will always be between you and yourself.

May isang araw lang last week na hindi ako very good. Siguro, half-star lang ang nakuha ko. Sorry, sumablay eh. Pwede naman siguro un?

Lunes na naman. At mas mahirap talaga ang weekday. Busy kase lahat ng kaibigan ko sa kani kanilang hanap-buhay, at syempre kelangan kong magbusy-busy-han din. Sana maging very good ulit ako this week. Para madaming madaming stars.
Buti nalang madami pang coloring books dito. :)

::re-posted. original posting on Nov 2,2008 9:16pm

Reasons

True, that I make my own choices. True, that I choose my own path. Yet, it is also true that there are things that I have no control of. It takes courage and a big leap of faith to accept and fight through them all.

For the longest time, most of us have been endlessly looking for answers and reasons. I just finished a book by Paolo Coelho, Brida, and he was brilliant enough to open a different perspective on this. On my own words, here is what he said:

The fish and the birds exist in their own universe, and sometimes, their universe co-exist with each other. The fish would forever wonder how these creatures (birds) would suddenly plunged into their world and then disappear after seconds. The birds on the other hand, would forever wonder too, why there are so many creatures hiding beneath the waters and how could they possibly survive. Both creatures might die wondering, without knowing the real answers to their mysteries. Because they exist in different universe. But in reality, the answers exist. There are reasons.

And so I thought, the reasons and the answers to all my questions are not easy to comprehend, as what I might have been thinking. Because only God who placed me in this universe knows all the reasons and answers. They only exist in His universe, and I am not worthy enough to comprehend His great wisdom and mysteries.

Life, as I have always said, will always remain a wonderful mystery to me. How the universe continues to be in motion, how some things cross my path at exactly the perfect timing, how some things could be simple for others yet they remain difficult and complicated for me, how I was given the certain plate of choices, crossroads, sacrifices and boundaries, how I get hurt over and over again, and how I manage to stand up and get courage deep in my soul.

All of us share different stories, yet it is amazing that at some point, most of our universe co-exist with each other. Sometimes, long enough for comfort, and sometimes, just for an instance. We might never be able to understand fully how all these could be possible, but for me, it is simply wonderful to think that all of us are made not by random decisions, instead, there is some thing bigger than this — bigger than the stars and the moon and all the mysteries of the earth.

Maybe, I will never comprehend the real reasons for everything. But knowing that reasons exist, that would be enough to get through each day.

::re-posted.original posting on October 23, 2008 9:32pm

Wasting Time

Ja, pa re-post..
At dahil madami akong petix time...pinatulan ko tlga to! hahahaha..

1. Do you know anybody with a contagious laugh?
-- Tito Boy. Hahahahaha

2. Who is the sexiest person you have ever seen?
-- in person? Madami sa brazil nyan. hehehe

3. When you hear "marriage" what do you think?
-- someday.

5. Do you have any real bad habits?
-- failing marshmallow tests!

6. Who are the last two text messages in your inbox from?
-- Heidi and Badot

7. Did you pray before you went to bed last night?
-- Yes.

8. Are you open about your love life?
-- To certain non-judgmental people only.

9. Have you ever lied to protect someone's feelings?
-- Yes.

10. What is your current relationship status?
-- Single

11. Do you get jealous of other people easily?
-- Yes, but I fight it off

12. What's the best thing about having a boyfriend?
-- Na meron kang kakampi kahet ano mangyare.

13. How did you meet the last person you kissed?
-- bakit ko nga ba sinasagutan tong mga tanong na to?!

14. Have you ever been asked "does size matter?"
-- yep!

15. Are you of great importance in someone else's life?
-- I want to think that I am. Hahaha, fighting spirit!

16. What is your favorite saying?
-- When you want something so badly, the universe conspires for you to achieve it.

17. Is there anybody that knows your deepest, darkest secret?
-- Yes.

18. Could you fit down your chimney?
-- Wala kaya kameng chimney! Hello winter?!

19. Who taught you to tie your shoes?
-- Batibot ;)

20. Do you usually sing while showering?
-- Yes!

21. Whats something that really grosses you out?
-- lizard. Walang kokontra! nyeta!

22. What movie did you last watch?
-- Igor. Daming monster dun! Hahahaha

23. What is your favorite type of fashion style?
-- shirt and jeans.

24. Name?
-- Joy

25. What celebrity do you most resemble?
-- Aba ewan.

26. Do you ever think of old friends?
-- Always

27. Choose only one word to describe yourself:
-- Alive

28. Do you like someone as more than just a friend?
-- Who doesn't?

29. Are you currently talking to that person?
-- No

30. Is there anything you are really looking forward to?
-- Yes.

31. What was the reason you last cried?
-- I was hurt.

32. Do you constantly pick out your own flaws?
-- Everyday. Because that's where I want to start improving.

33. Have you ever told a teacher to "shut up?"
-- In my mind, yes! Hahaha.

34. What is the oldest person you would date right now?
-- does age matter? sabeee.

35. Have you ever been reported "missing" on the news?
-- Hala wag naman!

36. Do you stick up for what you believe in?
-- Always.

37. What do you think about Britney Spears?
-- Ngayon ko lang sya ulet naisip. Hahahaha.

38. What's the most random compliment you've received?
-- Ang taba mo na. :)

39. Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
-- Obvious ba? I never had this handful of time in my lifetime! Hahahaha ;)

40. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
-- None, because I am learning to expect less.

41. Will you be voting in the next presidential election?
-- Ayun naman, di pa din ako registered! Hahahaha..

42. What is the craziest thing you've done to get attention?
-- Hala, wala?!

43. If you could go back in time would you?
-- Go back and stay pwede?

44. If killing were legal, who would you kill?
-- lahat ng butiki sa mundo. Susme!

45. Do you use your middle finger often?
-- Napaisip ako dun a.. Parang hindi...

46. Whats annoying you right now?
-- Going through my usual "mind-setting". Feels like everyday is a surprise. I need to stop thinking of the things I have no control of. It's not as simple as anybody could imagine.

47. Are you a really understanding person?
-- I think I am one of the most understanding persons in the world. The down side? At some point, I expect people to understand me too. But some just don't.

48. What will you be doing after this survey?
-- Download heid's songs for the wedding ;)

**

1. Has anyone ever told you that you would make a good stand up comedian?
-- No!

2. What colour is your couch?
-- Brown

3. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
-- No.

4. Have you ever seen the show 'Last Comic Standing'?
-- Not yet. Maganda ba yun?

5. Do/Did you want to go back to school?
-- Kung tatambay lang sa pebble wash, oo. Pero kung ibabalik ang thesis days, wag nalang!

6. What was your grade 6 teachers name?
-- Hala! Nakalimutan ko! Pwedeng section? Ezekiel!

7. What is your oldest cousins name?
-- Mylene

8. Do you live close to the ocean?
-- Now? No.

9. Have you ever tried Propel Calcium Water?
-- Ano daw?? Basta nalang may maitanong a...

10. Do you know what 'cactus' means in Australian slang?
-- Di eh. ano?

11. Has anyone ever told you to your face what they truly think about you?
-- Yes.

12. What colour is the cloth/sponge you use in the shower?
-- Yellow

13. Would you rather have a tarantula or a python as a pet?
-- pwedeng dog nalang?!

14. What colour are the walls of your parents bedroom?
-- teknik color. hanep! hahahaha

15. When's the last time you felt like dying?
-- Never thought of it.

16. Do you think that Barbies are a stereotype of what 'pretty' is?
-- Yes. They have the perfect vital stats! hehehehe

17. Do you actually enjoy reading?
-- Yes

18. Do you go to a stereotypical high school like you see in the movies?
-- I think so.

19. What is something people may not know about your province/state?
-- sa padre garcia ang pambansang bakahan ng pilipinas. Hahahaha

20. What colour are you favorite pajamas?
-- Di uso saken ang pajamas

21. Have you ever heard of Newfoundland?
-- New found friend, oo. Hahaha

22. Do you believe that the world will end in 2012?
-- No

23. If you had to move to a country that begins with the letter A, where would you move?
-- An Pedro? Hahahaha

24. What is the worst thing you've ever said to a teacher?
-- Wala. Mabait ako eh :p

25. Do you think that hair extensions look skanky?
-- kanya kanyang trip lang yan.

26. What is your guilty pleasure?
-- caffeine

27. How often does it rain where you live?
-- di masyado.init nga eh.

28. What do you call your grand-parents?
-- Inay at tatay.

29. What is the weirdest picture you have in your house?
-- Yung mga nakahubad na egyptian dun sa sala. Gusto ko na nga pagtatatanggalin eh! hahahaha

30. What's the best book you've ever read for school?
-- El Filibusterismo. Promise!

::re-posted. original posting on October 22, 2008 2:47pm

20 things

I can't sleep -- and to waste time, I am sharing the top 20 things about me. Some are known by most people, some only by my closest friends.
Nothing trivial -- i just feel like writing. Spur of the moment perhaps.

1. I am addicted to music > literally. There were very few occasions that I slept without music. Maybe during retreats, or during antioch weekends when I need to sacrifice something. When I was away and share rooms with other friends, I use my celfon or my ipod. Without music, I get nightmares. I swear.
2. I have a comfort blanket. Pink. But it has nothing to do with the color. It's the texture. Something I can rub my feet before I sleep.
3. I am a lotion addict. I am restless without it. Only few close friends share the same thing with me, and they can only understand. Hehehehe.
4. I am poor at sports, but I love watching them.
5. I will never get tired of having coffee with my friends. Get thoughts from them and let them hear mine.
6. For me, wave89.1 is still the best station.
7.It takes me 10 minutes to take a bath.
8. Lately, I have managed to get the courage to clean the clutter. But it took a lot of effort to differentiate what has to be thrown away and what has to be kept.
9. I want to start reading Twilight. It will be my next project.
10. I haven't continued watching prison break. I don't know why.
11. Mornings are when I feel the strongest. Late nights I feel the weakest.
12. There was a time when I loved sunsets. And there came a time when I just can't look at it anymore. It depresses me big time.
13. The best sunrise I saw was -- 2 hours before landing home. Breath taking.
14. I am a Bo Sanchez fanatic. I believe everything he says.
15. When I was young, I kept a list of "things I need to achieve before I die". I can't find that list anymore. I don't know why.
16. I have been looking endlessly for the Runaway Bride soundtrack. Until know, I cannot find one.
17. Here are my frustrations: singing, painting, drawing, figure skating, playing good music on the piano.
18. Maybe I won't get tired of watching La Salle-Ateneo games.
19. My best stress reliever -- washing the dishes.
20. A song that I felt was written to describe me -- A Warrior is a Child.

It's time to sleep.

::re-posted. original posting on October 1,2008 11:40pm

Waiting

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces. A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. What advantage has the worker from his toil? I have considered the task which God has appointed for men to be busied about. He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men’s ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

During one of those spare times, a thought hit me.
That we spend most of our time waiting --

Waiting in line
Waiting for the coffee
Waiting for lunch
Waiting for weekends
Waiting for a text message
Waiting for a call
Waiting for the rain
Waiting for sunshine
Waiting for sunset
Waiting for a ride
Waiting for another chance
Waiting to get tired
Waiting for miracles
Waiting for the questions
Waiting for the answers
Waiting in vain..

Perhaps, it is but human nature to wait for something better, to anticipate for another day, another chance, another sunshine.
And maybe, if we would look into another perspective, waiting teaches us good lessons too. On patience. On understanding. On faith. On hope. On surrender.

And just as the passage above holds true -- that there is time for everything -- maybe, there is nothing wrong in waiting. As long as we do not lose hope, and we keep the faith that soon... the wait will be over

::original posting on September 26 09:03pm

Finally

And so I finally got him.
my little Mister Sunshine :)